As an independent graphic and web designer, I’ve dealt with all kinds of clients. Most of them have been great people to know, and some have even become friends.
However, I’ve had my share of totally clueless clients who won’t take no for an answer, regardless of things like reality, practicality, or feasibility. Some of the worst offenders have been web design clients with a lot of strange assumptions about what’s possible on the internet.
If you’ve ever felt the need to reach through the phone and hit someone in the head while explaining yourself for the nth time, I offer my sympathy in the form of these letters from a very good “client” of mine. 
***
Hello Tod,
I am in need of a WEB site. You see, my company is not yet on the information superhighway that everyone is talking about. Can you also explain to me how I can make money in the I-phone craze that’s sweeping the nation? Although, I do not have a MAC, I have an IBM compatible. I also want to learn how to use “social media” to increase my sales. I heard that if you put your company on Twitter and FaceBook, you instantly seem cool to millions of young people who want to “follow” you and buy your products. Please, help my company get on the World Wide Internet.
My company is a wholesaler of varied merchandise. I was thinking that a good internet name for us would be something simple and easy to remember like buy.com or shop.com. Could you please check and let me know how much it will cost?
Also please make sure that my WWW site has a “webblog” also.
Sincerely,
Out of Touch
***
Tod,
Another item to add to our project: tell me how to make my homepage #1 on the google. When people search for “shopping” or “gifts” I want my site to come up first. If you write the webpages in the right way, it will come up first for all internet searches. I took COBOL Data Processing in college so believe me I know about programming computers on the WWW.
You should make some funny home videos and put them on the site. That will make it instantly popular. Be sure it’s popular with teenagers.
Did you sign me up for “buy.com” or “shop.com” yet? I will also consider “shopping.com” or “gifts.com” but I’d prefer you buy “buy.com”.
There will be no need to pay for a service to “host” my webpages. I have an old computer at home that we can use for that purpose.
I am having the phone company come over tomorrow to install a second phone line so that my web site can stay online 24/7.
AOL makes me dial long distance into Cleveland, so the phone company will charge about $24 per month for the new line plus $30 per month for long distance service. $54 a month is half what I pay for cable TV so I’m sure it’s a lot cheaper than sitehosting. Question: can I send faxes and stay online at the same time?
Just make sure any programs you need to buy are compatible with IBM-PC/Compatible Celeron systems. If you need the stats of my computer, there is a big sticker of information on the keyboard next to the “shop at home” and “WWW” keys. I will fax it to you if you need the info. You do have a fax machine, don’t you?
Thanks,
Clueless
***
Dear Tod,
I was looking at the shop buttons on my keyboard (very easy to hit accidentally and get sucked into buying things — they’re clever!). Now I think that in addition to buy.com and shop.com, you should also get shop@home.com. Here is a list of what I would like for innernet names:
- buy.com
- shop.com
- shop@home.com
- shop&save.com
- $UPER$AVER$.COM
Buy.com will be the main internet site, and the others are just in case I want more than one online store.
I also want a website like a 1-900 number where just by going to it, it charges the person.
By the way, while you’re doing your programming or whatever, I need you to come over and fix my computer. Its crashing all the time. And the internet is so slow! Can you make it faster?
Please get back to me ASAP.
Thanks,
Your Favorite Client
P.S. I need you to teach me to make my own web pages. I don’t want to keep paying you to update them.
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